God has really been working on me the last 3 months in many areas. It has been an inner struggle, not something that has included others deeds, wrong-doings, or even their input. Just me and God. Just me trying to figure out what is most important in this world. What is it we are working for? Who is it we are out to please? And why, if that is God, am i struggling with other's perceptions of me and my family? As stated in a previous post, the negative comments made toward having a large family far outweigh the postitive a good 90-1!!! It simply wears on you after a while. I am so glad it has though. It has forced me to take a long hard look at my life, my family and what it is all 7 of us are here for anyway!
We are a homeschooling family and with that come many pressures that just don't exist otherwise. One is that there is this understanding among most homeschooling families that you are on this neverending quest for curriculum. it never ends because there is so much out there, your kids are always changing, and the beauty of homeschooling is you get to change how you teach to fit how they learn. it is pretty much a given that if two homeschooling moms are together give it less than 5minutes and the topic of what curriculum you use will inevitably be main topic very quickly! then the cycle starts over. you have now been introduced to yet another series you did not know existed, and the research begins, then the wonder of whether or not it will work for you, etc etc. however, for me i just leave feeling inadequate most of the time. So i am having to really step back and figure out what i really want to accomplish in my children. a mission so to speak. something to wrap our minds around, to measure our each and every decision against.
i was reading this book by an author i met 2 weeks ago. she and i had a very lengthy conversation about our children and the heart of homeschooling. at one point in the book i stopped to read John 15: 12,13. It talks about how the greatest form of love is that of self- sacrificing service that benfits others. She asks in the book "in our self-centered, self-indulgent culture, how does this priciple come into play in your decision to homeschool?" however, God knew what i was struggling with and i read it totaly different. i read , "how does this self-centered, self-indulgent culture influence how you homeschool?" a totally different question. one i needed desperately to ask myself and wrestle with God about! Our decision to homeschool rests largely on trying to instill values completely opposite of our self-indulgent, self-centered culture. Yet here i was looking to others incessantly attempting to define who i was by how well i was measuring up to them. The problem is that i was never taking into account what (and who) God has given me to work with. i would look at others with their 9 year old sitting for 30 minutes doing a math workbook, with their 2 year old playing, and their 7 year old in a first grade co-op class. i would instantly think, "wow...my kids would never sit and do that...they are so hyper, so loud, i must be a terrible mom...etc etc etc." that misread question made me realize that God did not give me a 10 year old, a 7 year old and a 2 year old. he gave me 5kids. 3 of which are very hyperactive, due to some wonderful chemicals their birth parents instilled in their bodies. they are all very young. i can not expect them to sit and do a math workbook. i have 3 kids who hate workbooks (so far..but i am still holding out hope). my other has asperger's and bless her little sweet spirit loves workbooks because they make sense,they have order , and she knows what to expect from them ( i love that in her ). that is just one example of how i have been comparing myself...the list seems endless these days. But God is showing me that i can have victory over this. i already am and i love that!
We have to seriously find what God has called each of us to do! if we don't we are blindly following one of two things...either others, or ourselves. i believe most of us are following ourselves. Our own selfish ambitions. Our own desires, our own made up religion that we only wish we could find in the Bible, but will not look to find out for fear we may be called to change. But calls us to change. He calls us to radically give up ourselves to follow Him. For "whoever looses his life, will find it" (Matt 10:39). I hope that at least one of you after reading this long, boring post will rethink just one aspect of your life and then....go lose it!
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