Becoming One

It has been in interesting, difficult, and trying last 2 months. Harder than any other I have experienced. Just admitting that is hard for me due to my intense need to not ask for help and do things on my own. As a mother of 5 very young children, days are long, rather repetitious. kinda like a hampster on a wheel many days. with one or two it was pretty easy to get up and go and mix up the days, but when there are 5, there are just too many schedules to keep, so much that must get done in a day and expecially during the winter days that are just harder for children this age. therefore, days are harder on mom too.

But more than that, the pressures of raising happy, healthy, well adjusted, spiritually sound, well-mannered, empathetic, socialized, independent learners is pretty daunting at times. Any of you who have children over 2 years old, know full well the ebb and flow of children's behavior. there are weeks/months of perfect children that you just praise God that you have been shown such mercy that despite you, your children are actually going to grow up sane and somewhat respectable. then, as most of you know, there are those weeks/months that you seriously wonder what God was thinking when he intrusted YOU with these children. I often think there must be someone more capable out there!!! Just so happens that as i have been struggling the last 2 months, my children are in the in not-so-good-stage and have been acting out. as one mom put it last week, in a regular home a child goes through a stage and it's over, in your home, a child goes through a stage and it is immediately followed with 3 others going through the same stage!!! she understood the difficulty in it. however, that no longer makes me feel any better. we have a very anti-large family culture here and it is interesting the remarks people will make. after a while doubt begins to creep in your mind. that doubt turns to fear, sometimes anger, sometimes even depression. As a mom you are constantly aware of your children's needs, fears, and struggles. that alone is difficult as you wade through the heirarchy of needs all the while wondering...am i doing enough...and more importantly am i doing it right? no one does it right all the time i realize, but unfortunatly we mother's never stop thinking it is possible. that standard of care in my home has been the brunt of my struggle these last few months. i feel i am never enough for them. it interesting correlates with my relationship with the lord...i rarely feel i am doing enough or am good enough for my God. He assures me i am and in Psalms even tells me He sings hymns over me! i love that!

But as i have spent time reflecting the last few days over this, i have come to realize that i never will be that exact person i have dreamed up in my head. i will never do all that i, personally, think i need to do for my children. and i will never, ever, see my myself as good enough to be their mom...unless I do so through the eyes of Christ! I am a perfectionist by nature, so this predicament is no surprise. i am just realizing that most all of us moms go through this at some point. that point where you realize..."WOAH....i am totally responsible for these kids. God has entrusted my husband and me with this enormous responsibility and i am wondering....hey...am i up to the task?" I was listening to a sermon last week from a guy in florida and something hit me that is unfortunatley obvious, yet you needed it to be resaid really bad! he was talking about how every single person has their own limits as to what they can handle. what i can do with 5 young children someone else may not be able to handle at all...yet another with much more grace and mercy than i could ever do. yes, God can fill in those gaps, but ultimatley we are all made differently. i have a friend who can not handle more than one activity at one time. she can't handle my house at all. i have another who does more than i could ever dream or even want to do and probably thinks i am a wimp! but i love them both! we can encourage each other differently and i like that. The bible says that "i can do all things through Christ who gives me strength" ( Phill. 4:13). I will not do them all well, i will fail miserable at some, and much of the time i am learning i will need help along the way. there is no telling how many times God is going to put this in front of me to learn the lesson that it is ok to need adn ask for help. there is no failure in that. as a matter of fact i believe fully that we take away other's blessings when we deny them the oportunity to help us because God has put people in our lives to bless us in just that way....just when we need it.

i was reading today in James 1:5 he says "if any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously without finding fault." that is the part i struggle with...without finding fault. then it goes on to say that if you ask and doubt you basically can not expect the lord to give you anything. that is where i get really hung up. i am a doubter...am i good enough...doing enough...strong enough...? I pray that you are. i pray your resolve in asking the Lord for what you need grows stronger and deeper. i pray that God reveal to you today how much He truly wants to give you all you could ever ask or imagine...