I'm Back...

I’m back to the drawing board!  I feel awkward, trepidatious, nervous and weak.  It’s been many months since I have written my heart.  And the months have not been good.  As I sit here, my heart beats hundreds of times between each sentence for fear what is really in here will not make it’s way out.  For fear that it making its way to a page will reap no harvest or even relieve that inevitable combustion inside of me. 

            But I press on for only a few reasons.  It is has been 18 months since Dirk’s accident.  But my reality tries to tell me so much of my life has passed.  My emotions try to tell me I should be thankful it has only been 18 months.  And my body relays to me daily that it may have been 18 years.  It has aged me.  It has exhausted me.  And it has changed me. 

            Writing has been my release long before the fateful February day 18 months ago. I am thankful, often indebted, to the healing and strength it gave me every long day and even longer nights as we traveled the path of recovery.  But it wasn’t only my own words that were released that gave healing and strength, it was the thousands of people praying, encouraging and sharing with me through that process.  It filled me.  It energized me.  And it too has changed me. 

            I was suffering.  And writing about all God was showing me and the feelings He was allowing me to feel brought me closer to Him, closer to you all, and closer to recovering from that which had occurred in our family.  My husband was unable to process anything.  My strength had to only come from God and in return of me asking for strength He gave me all of you to help me through.  But in all your encouragement of my faith and my steadfastness to God, I ended up failing in the end.  I allowed satan the permission to take one little comment and use it to keep me from writing anymore.  ONE comment!  Isn’t it just like satan to know your weakness, and just like us to allow him a foothold.  Even amidst the thousands of comments lulling me into the peace that God was singing over me, satan knew my weakness so well that he used one tiny comment to shut me up and shut out the music.  I didn’t think it would matter at all.  And it doesn’t to most of you.  But it did to me.  And that’s how it began…the spiral into the abyss of fear, anger, placid smiles, fake hellos, false reports and self-disillusionment!

            Last week our pastor reminded me of something I learned on this 18 month journey.  He reminded me that our suffering is a form or worship.  Think about all you have ever suffered and how you suffered.  When you suffer well, God is glorified.  When you suffer in public, God’s people are used and God is glorified.  When you suffer honestly, God’s truth is allowed to pierce right through you-joint and marrow.  And that is when change is unavoidable.   For in honest suffering, our humanity cannot be denied nor can God be fathomed.  In honest suffering, our humanness, our weakness, our raw emotion reveals the very image that God created us in and the very reason we so desperately need Him. 

            But right in the middle of all that…I failed! I just stopped.  I stopped suffering honestly.  I stopped suffering publically. i stopped releasing that which was inside of me.  I stopped being real! I no longer expressed hurt, or fear, or anger, or doubt.  Or even praise, accomplishment, hope or joy.  I shoved it all inside, tied it up in a bow, and shipped it to nowhere.  I no longer got to hear all that God was doing in all the lives of those reading my struggles because I no longer allowed Him to use my struggles for others.  Satan had me right where he wanted me…until today! It is coming.  My heart is stirring.  My thoughts flowing.   My need rising to the top.  He is calling me.  Calling me to worship Him again… in my suffering, in my healing, in our recovery, and in my honesty.  I just have to figure out how to be honest again…..

The Biosphere. Remember it? That huge bubble created in Oracle, Arizona to study the interactions between humans, farming and technology with the rest of nature. A completely enclosed ecosystem designed rather like a utopia for ecology of sorts. But one thing scientists did not understand within thier utopia was why the trees were not surviving. Here they were providing all that these trees needed to become perfect and beautiful creations in all the right conditions. but still....to no avail....the trees were dying. eventually the biosphere scientists called in the speicailized tree scientists (arborists, dendrologists, whatever you want to call them) and asked why in the world thier perfect experiment was not working. It didn't take long for them to spout off that answer...WIND! Wind? Yes, wind!

Most people think trees need deep roots to be stong and survive. But that is only half the story. They must have wind. When a tree has wind pushing against it's branches and constantly intoducing resistance, that is what causes the roots to grow deeper! with a little consistent resistance, even the smallest of trees can withstand much travesty. You can provide the soil, the water, the air, the sun, even highly scientific tree food, but without wind the tree will be weak and will not survive.

Did you know that Christianity has infiltrated our christian culture so much that it has become a giganic propaganda campaign? stay with me here, you're probably wondering how my two topics relate. You can hear christian radio stations, look at christian magazines, read christian mysteries, romance novels, there's christian movies, christian art, christian jewelry, you can even go on christian cruises, eat christian breath mints (yep...that's real), take christian piano lessons (really?), wear christian clothing, buy christian toys, play christian video games, christian sports teams, you can even tune into a radio sports show that critiques sporting events from a christian perspective!!! and yes, that last one is real people....

still not seeing the correlation?

Well they are directly related to my life! I have children, as i suspect many of you who read this blog do. I am also a christian. But I have a struggle that i am extremely open and honest about continuously! How on earth do we, as Christians, raise our children to be in this world, but not of it? I have mentors and friends who say "keep them with you at all times til they are in junior high". home school them, have playdates at your house with you there, put your friendships on hold til they are older, do not let video games, etc infiltrate your home, never introduce santa, etc , etc, etc. I have friends who let thier kids watch all sorts of stuff, listen to all sorts of music, watch lots of video games and movies, and that list too could go on an on as well.

But as a Christ follower, I desperately want my children to grow up strong in thier faith. i want them to know who they are, what they believe, and to live out James 1:27 " pure and fautless religion is to.....keep ones self from being polluted by the world". i want them to have roots! i want even my smallest of children to have the roots to stand strong when travesty and trials strike. The last thing i want is for them to grow up with my faith...my beliefs....my weaknesses. i want them to know full well what they believe because they have been able to see thier own faith in action. i don't want them to do what's right because i said so. i want them to do what's right to honor and glorify our God! becuase it comes from within thier soul.

But, as Bill Hybles would say, how do we get from here to there? well, we've already given the answer...RESISTANCE! But it's not enough to say we must give our kids resistance to grow strong in thier faith. It just begs the question..."how much resistance?" at least it does for me! and therein lies the problem.

Am i the only mom out there who wants thier kid to be the nicest, sweetest, most polite, never hitting, always obedient, scripture spouting, self correcting future perfect (you know what i mean) christian ? boy i hope not or i am having more of a crisis than i know! from the time they are concieved we spend our time and energy talking to them, playing the right music, buying the right toys, introducing them to the right foods, setting up playdates with the "right' people, choosing the right discipline, teaching the right words (never shut up or crap!), showing them the perfect movies, and let's not forget educating them perfectly too. Then around age 4 (yep..all that only took us up to age 4) we start asking ourselves "how in the world do we let them play without me, read without me, watch tv without me, speak to others without me? what if they don't do it right? or God forbid, someone else doesn't do it right around our kid!? am i right? come on...am i right? we do this!

And so it begins....the ever clear, God honoring line becomes blurry. How much is too much? What amount of resistance is right, at what time, and in what arena? i don't have the answer, and propose quite willingly that i never will. it seems easy enough to say that you live your life upholding truth and teaching it daily and live the resistance out when it comes. It all makes sense in our minds when we sum it up and wrap a pretty bow around it and use nice words like "uphold truth" and "teach daily". But i have a sense that it will forever be a space in my life that i must continually rely on God's wisdom, but more so His grace, as i fumble my way through motherhood raising my quasi nice, sometimes sweet, attempting to be polite, hitting in frustration, wayward, using scripture to throw into the face of the sibling, rarely self correcting, present and future sinners!

They Just Don't Get It...

Some people just don't get it! You know the ones. The people who, whatever your situation, will just never understand YOUR life.

For us it's... well...it's a lot of things. We are a little strange. First off, we have 6 kids, and large families are not understood in our self-centered, convenience world. Second, we have adopted kids~3 to be exact. And as publicized as adoption is, there is still a vast majority of people who think very strangely on the subject. On top of that we have special needs kids-one severely ADHD, an asperger's daughter, and hypo and hypersensitive sensory processing disorder girls coupled with mega impulsivity! It's a lot! then we get to add that we are foster parents. Because we advocate for foster care so adamantly and openly, it brings a lot of "voices" to the table of our lives.

I had a friend recently say to me "why did you take a foster kid, I mean, why now? didn't you have enough on your plate already?" Her statement slapped me in the face. Not because of what she said, but because I knew she was voicing what most probably think, but will never say. It slapped me in the face because I literally could think of no response except, "why not? Because he needed a home and we are called as christians to provide it!" Her statement was a reflection of the culture in which we Americans live: we live seeking the least amount of pain and inconvenience in our own lives. Why on earth would the average person INVITE a little chaos? Cause themselves to reorganize thier life a little? Muddle through the changes in family dynamics? Choose to work with a state agency for a lengthy period of time simply to help another human in crisis? And why would they do it at such an inopportune time? Why give everything to a kid that most likely has nothing to give in return?

The Answer is because Christ did that for me! He takes me in everyday and gives me all I need, and even more than I can ask. He lavishes upon me that which I don't even know I need! Yet, truly in comparison I have nothing to give in return. I make feeble attempts at worship, glory, honor and praise to make His name reknown, but they are inadequate to say the least. Yet, He loves me. He takes me in. He protects me. He didn't ask for all my problems...those came with the fall of man dashed with my own mistakes. I also didn't ask for the many daily troubles I encounter with my own children. I struggle daily to parent to the best of my ability. I struggle with the constant pressure that very few people, or family, understand my children or seek to do so. I struggle with the constant comments of either "you are a saint", or "you are crazy". I struggle to understand my own children as they continually grow and change and, therefore, so do thier disorders. I struggle to convey to others the invisible needs my children have that are not overt, but underlying and take care, precision, and empathy to work with. I struggle as I fail every single day to be the mom God has called me to be. Each day I know I could do more. Each day I fight the inevitable pull satan has on me to beat me up at 8pm each night and whisper all the things I could have, should have done differently throughout my day. I struggle to keep my eye on God and not the others around me that 'just don't get it'.

If you have ever felt this way in your own life, you know that you yourself really don't get it. Do we ever really get it? Yet, we seem to be on that never ending search for that tangible someone who lives our parallel life and "gets us". Someone who can relate to us on every (or most) levels. Someone who can show up at your door with the perfect coffee drink at just the moment you may otherwise lose it. Someone that needs no explanation when your child acts heinously in the eyes of another, but to you you can see right through thier pain, suffering and need. We long for that someone who actively embraces us, our families, our children, our sins, our idiosyncracies, our bad days and good.

We know that that person is God, yet especially as women, I think we tend to crave another human desperately. Maybe I'm the only one..who knows.

Actually I believe most of us have those people in our lives already. I am sure I do. it is just that satan keeps attempting (and succeeding a lot) at telling me that they don't really understand..it's all an act. That somehow they secretly go away and recount all my little woes with scrutiny and half-heartedness. That no one could possibly be that interested in MY life! But God is that interested in our lives. God really does get it! He lives it with us every day, yet never tires of hearing our woes. When we act heinously, he sees our pain, suffering and need more clearly than we ourselves even see it. He knows our breaking points better than we even do. And the reality is...it wouldn't be beneficial for any of us who call ourselves Christ-followers to be at a spot of ease or to be unchallenged in our daily lives. I can't think of many instances in the bible where people were growing and becoming more Christ-like by being happy, complacent, and unchallenged in thier life. Actually i can't think of one! Think of any cirucumstance in the bible...pick one...most likely there is fear, imprisonment, deep uncertainty, unfathomable futures, sadness, sickness, failure, adultry, death, war, torn apart families, dysfunctional families, lies, hatred..the list is endless. These circumstances in our lives should always equal growth. So invite them. Relish them. Learn from them. Cuz God's the only one who is ever really gonna get it...Thankfully...because we are too much to handle for anyone else!

Outta the Mouth of Bella...

I was having a bad day! I hadn't slept for two nights due to a really yucky cold. I was stressed to get 5 of my 6 kids out the door for thier first day of school on time. i felt terrible. and I was determined to make the first day home alone with my 3 year old a wonderful one. so we played puzzles...14 of them to be exact! we played army men, i taught him how to mop, we did laundry together, snuggled, and enjoyed eachother's rather quiet company. but i was not feelin' it. i was tired, cranky, stressed and lo and behold 3 hours passed and it was time for the 1/2 day kids to return home already. the bus was 45 minutes late, no one had had lunch, and i had one of those soon to regret ideas to take all 6 kids to Mcdonalds to celebrate thier new year. did i mention i was alone? alone...6 kids...mcdonald's playland...7 years old and under..

i have learned many lessons as a mom of many small children. but none seemed to come to me this day. i forgot the "go to the bathroom before we leave speech". i forgot the get -all -the -food -in- the -drive -through- when -all- the -kids- are -still -buckled- in- THEN -go- inside -to- eat- and- play idea. i forgot the socks. and i forgot...it was the first day of school...and the entire city would be there. i forgot my patience. i forgot that i was sick and couldn't emotionally handle that on that day. so...on our second trip to the bathroom taking all kids into the women's bathroom, (which is getting wierd, but still can't fathom letting my boys go into a public ,busy restroom unprotected yet) the toilets were flushing, the dryers going, the kids voices reverberating, other patrons attempting to push past us, kids upset they were in the girl's bathroom, i started to unwind. on the outside i was keeping it all in, but NOT on the inside. on the inside i was about to hurl my kids into the car and drive til i ran outta gas!

then...in the sweetest, stillest moment we had so far, my otherwise precocious little 5 year old girl says from her stall, "Mommy, nothing is impossible with God". her voice echoed in the bathroom out into the dining area where all could here because i was watching some kids outside, and some in. smiles broke out amongst the patrons. they almost related to my inner frustration and the apropos, God appointed verse my daughter blurted out so lovingly. she didn't do it in rebuke, just as matter of fact as she could. then she began singing it song form. i instantly relaxed. i realized that i could handle all situations. it may be hard..and it was...but God was with me. it wasn't impossible to be having a really hard day and still bless my kids in the midst of it. all day i kept reinvisioning that bathroom moment with my Bella. i can, as i write, still hear her sweet, girly voice saying, "Mommy, nothing is impossible with God". i would love to say that my day got better, but it didn't. God never said it would. but it wasn't impossible because i leaned on Him all day. over and over in every little thing. i just revisted over and over Bella's words. and i know it is true.."nothing is impossible with God" because Bella finally finished pooping and we all got to go home!

Sometimes I Wish I Were Adopted!

four babies all under 1 1/2. three adopted at birth, and all got to use the same judge. this was a good day...our wait was finally over!

I'm not sure i have ever known a couple that has trudged through the waters of adoption without a fight, and usually not without hurt along the way. the process is hard, long, painstaking. It ebbs and flows. it is at times ravenous in it's emotions, yet at others a calm sea that is blissful and joyous. But no matter the process, no matter the fight, no matter the intensity in which it takes to get you to the end...the end is...well...a beautiful beginning!

Adoption can't compare notes. the reason for it's inception in any one couple's life is meaningless when the end, or should i say the beginning, is in it's fruition. to compare the journey is cathartic for some, but still...no more meaningful than then next when looking your child in the eyes for the first time. But nonetheless, the journey had to be innitiated, had to be endured, and had to be finished...all t's crossed, and i's dotted along the way with perfection. There can be no mistakes if you want your end to become your beginning. yet we as parents, knowing full well what is in store, set foot on that journey anyway. we are in great search of fulfilling that which God has set before us in James 1 to put feet to His words of true religion. and we will do it at all costs!

How great it must be to come to the realization that your parents fought so hard for you, stayed the course through pain, trial, suffering, and uncertainty. How amazing it must be to know that God has a very startegically placed verse in His Word just for you who are adopted to be put in such high regard as to say that one only has true religion if they take care of YOU! How beautiful it would be to hear your story of how you were searched for, longed for, waited for, only to discover that your Lord too was searched for, longed for, waited for and ultimately adopted Himself. what solace to know He can relate to your very intricate, delicate, vulnerable situation. Jesus Himself...adopted! My heart palpitates just thinking how that similarity would feel inside my heart to hear and know such things about my God! To relate to Him in such a way!

And then i remember... I am adopted! I have been adopted by God and am now a joint heir with him. i was sought out, bought with a price...a painful, humiliating price that ultimately lead to his death. his life was at times peaceful and joyous, and at times tumultuous with ravenous wolves just waiting to get their hands on him. But He died for Me. He transferred all rights to me as his daughter and my inheritance awaits me in Heaven. He gave me new life. He promises to fulfill all he has begun in me to perfection. i can communicate with Him as my dad, one who knows me completely. One who would do anything for me...because He already did! But His end was simply my beginning too...for He rose again!

Can I Borrow Your Robe?

Do you ever struggle with the fact that God sees you holy and blameless in His sight? that He can look at you and see Himself? i do. i wonder all the time how a wretched person like myself could ever be seen as anything but, especially through the beautiful eyes of my savior! I mean, it's me...I'm a sinner so completely unworthy of Him even laying eyes on me, much less seeing His own reflection in me! today we were studying the covenant Jonathan made with David in 1 Samuel 18. Jonathan gave his robe to David. now back then giving someone your robe was as if you were saying "i give you my identity". we don't see such imagery today. For our clothing signifies very little about us as compared to then. certainly borrowing someone's shirt does not give others the impression that i am them, or even that i want to be. but God innitiated a similar covenant with those of us who believe. he said that we can put off our old selves, and clothe ourselves with Christ. it is because of our clothing ourselves with Christ that we begin to look like him. i was still struggling with this concept~that God could look at me and see attributes of His son, Jesus. Then the Lord brought to my mind my daughter, Makenna. she has asperger's and her symptoms have flown under the radar for years now, until that is, the last 4 weeks. we have had a severe increase in her meltdowns and anger outbursts. it has been trying to say the least. but my month has gone from sheer and utter frustration in not having a clue what to do, getting counsel, reading more books, attempting new strategies and thinking and praying for hours on end, to taking my sweet daughter and explaining to her how she has a brain that works just a little differently. and i beagn to be completely proactive in my attempts to talk her through these rages and meltdowns. many of you are thinking "what does a sweet 6 year old have to be angry about?" but the reality is...an asperger's kid doesn't need reasons and usually can't get to the source if you try either. Now that's a hard one to swallow. For four weeks i have been upset, a little angry and at my wits end in seeing my baby with such anger and my thoughts of her were becoming tainted with the outward appearance of her symptoms. do you ever get that way? sometimes the pressing issues are all you see? the people around you become defined by thier "symptom". they may be an angry person, a confrontational person, a prideful one, or maybe a compromising one. whatever outward symptom you see seems to push out whatever God could possibly see in them. but the more proactive, ready, controlled, submitted to God, and teachable i became, and the more she began to internalize what i was teaching her and practicing the skills i was implementing, i realized that i began to see her as God made her...PERFECT! just as He sees me. he doesn't look at me and see the filth and rags and all the stuff i need to work on: or my anger, my pride, my frustration...he sees Himself. He sees that because i have entered into a convenant with Him. i have put on His robe and clothed myself in Christ. and the more i do so, the more He, and others, see Jesus...not Sarah.

An experience like no other happened to me the other day. i was putting Elias to bed at night and we were doing our usual read a book, sing, then go to bed. i typically sing worship songs, and it often becomes more of a time of worship with me and the Lord. the lights are dim, we are rocking, and it is quiet. so the atmosphere is perfect! i began a song i have been singing to Elias for over 8 months now...

Worthy is the
Lamb who was slain
Holy, holy is He.
Sing a new song
to Him who sits on
heaven's mercy seat.
Holy Holy Holy
is the Lord God Almighty
Who was and is and is to come.
To all creation i sing
priase to the king of kings
you are my everything and i will
adore YOU!...

because this is often a time i use for my own personal worship, my eyes were closed as they ofen are. all i could hear was Elias saying "louder, louder..." and him singing each word along with me. we are belting out the song and i open my eyes to see my son, hands raised in the air to God singing "holy, holy holy!"

i sat there in awe, rocking my baby, crying. thinking of all the responsibility i have in these little ones. i so often think of the check list i have to do to make sure they "come to know Jesus". i get down on myself wondering "did i do enough today? did we read enough scripture today? did i get in all the life lessons when the opportunities were presented to me?" the list is endless. but my sweet Elias showed me, yet again, that it is in my life that shows my children who Jesus is. all the other stuff is extremely important too. but Jesus said "let the little children come to me" and i must remember to consistently lead each one to Him.

take some time today to worship the Lord in the midst of your children. Your example will lead to their emulation!

you can start right now by sitting back and listening to this song. then take that worship into your life today...

just scroll down to turn off background music then enjoy...

I Can't Handle This!...

"then He said to the man, "stetch out your hand." So he stretched it out and it was completely restored, just as sound as the other"

Matthew 12: 13

Has fear ever paralyzed you? Has it ever defined you? Have you ever been in a situation that you knew you had to do, but the fear kept you from truly reaching out? I am not sure i could ever count how many times that has occured in my life. I would say as much as people see me as leader, fear cripples me much of the time. there is really no telling what God really has for me if i would truly surrender that fear to Him.

Yesterday i was swinging Ian on the swingset in the back yard. He wanted to go high like the other two kids were. He was incessantly screaming "higher, higher"...but just about when his feet became level with the fence his excitement turned to fear. He suddenly began screaming, while laughing in trepidation... " I CAN'T HANDLE THIS...I CAN'T HANDLE THIS!!" He was serious...and he was scared. but once he slowed down and we tried again...and again...he began to get stretched and before you know it...he was higher than a kite having the time of his life.

you see, it is in the stretching that our fear turns into faith.

What is it in your life God is trying to stretch you in, but you are resisting due to fear. Stretch your arms out to Him just a little more and watch that fear turn into faith!

My Hearts at Home...

A few years ago I found myself in the midst of a neighborhood with no one to truly connect with. There were no young mothers, no small kids, and very little support if any for a young mom with 4 kids all under the age of 2. i became desperate for companionship as i found myself more and more trapped in my house or yard with so many small children. Well suddenly about a year ago many houses began going up for sale around my house. so i started a journey full of selfish desperation...i told God that each time i looked at a house for sale i would pray that He was sending me someone to share this journey with. that was a big undertaking since 3 of these houses i could see at any time i so much as looked out my window! But after much fervent prayer, my prayers availeth much! not only has He given me support, but great friends. People I can count on, trust, lean on, and even ask for help. It is becoming the neighborhood of which i always dreamed. Last weekend we all went to Hearts at Home together. I was greatly anticipating my time with these women and eagerly inviting the Lord to reveal my shortcomings as a wife, mother and friend. i always go to this conference Knowing full well that God will reveal much to me. He has never disappointed me yet.

The story of Mary and Martha kept coming up in many (if not all) the sessions i chose to attend. it was obvious the Lord was trying to show me something here. then, saturday morning, as he always does, He revealed to me what it was. i have become so busy with my kids...so uninterruptable. there are always other things i could be doing and often seem more important. i have succombed to the "oh, you're fine" phrase with my children as i hurry them to scurry away while i attend to my important things.

The problem with that is that it is in the interruptions that life occurs. i had become uninterruptable. then God really hit me...he showed me that i was fully interruptable in my relationship with Him. i seem to have little problem scurrying off to a child that "needs" me when i am sitting at the feet of Jesus. There is always time later i hear my brain say to me. but i have it all backwards. I must be completely interruptable...for my Lord, for my kids, for my friends. It will take some work for this type A, list making, gotta get it done gal, but God is faithful to complete the good work in me that He has begun.

Are you interruptable for your family? For your God? Or has your agenda, your life, become more important than that which God has intrusted you?

Spring has Sprung...

Spring has finally sprung here and this morning the kids were ecstatic to get outside before even 8am! i love it when my kids are in picture taking moods so i made the most of it although it did not last long. If only I had had all 5 of them...it was great lighting and a great time of day for them...maybe next time.



such a little man...

this one looks like he just breathed a fresh sigh of relief and calmness...

What's Your Ripple?

The ripple your little pebble in life makes can reach far beyond your wildest dreams...

A few weeks ago I was discussing adoption with a friend on facebook via our facebook walls. Often when doing that I forget the world ( or at least all 400 + friends) can see it. But that tiny little discussion led to me being up past 2 am talking to other friends on facebook that saw that discourse between us and wanted to know more about adoption and foster care. Most of you know i am passionate about foster care and adoption as is my husband. But to step back and realized that my little world, with my little words can effect so many people was suddenly astounding to me all over again. We must be so careful as to what our words, our stances, our beliefs convey to others. God WILL hold us accountable. But just think what you can do with your little corner of the world just by being vocal about the passion God has set inside you. that night i reached so many that would and had never thought about foster care in that light. and who knows....my little pebble could make a ripple far beyond my wildest dreams...actually it already has! so, go make a splash and see where your ripples go!

Matthew 12:34 says ,"out of the heart the mouth speaks". what is your mouth speaking today? What or Whom do you need to fill it with so your mouth will help proclaim the longings of the Lord?

houseguests!!!

a few weeks ago my mother moved into the basement of our house. not only are my kids in heaven...but she is too. they just adore getting to run downstairs in the morning and crawl up in her chair to read or just snuggle with thier mamalane! it has been a great transition for all of us. the plan was for a year, but at this rate..she's so happy i am not sure she will ever leave!

Life as Planned???

kid's first day of school jan. 2010. they were so excited!

Sometimes life just goes as planned....then there is my life...! recently after much pain, strange symptoms and guessed at diagnosis like lumphoma and lupus, doctors finally figured out what was wrong with me: fibromyalgia. not the best diagnosis considering it is one with no cure, and no real treatment. but i am working through the process...denial, anger, a little bargaining...now attempting to settle in with it all in the midst of my real life. i am trying desperately to deal with it all as naturally as i can; doing as much preventative therpies as possible that my wallet will allow. and now i am about to delve into a slew of supplements and even acupuncture. so...i am praying help is on the way. but if the Lord keeps me at just this stage or i seem to worsen, i think i am ready to deal with that now. then again maybe tomorrow i will be right back at anger and sadness once again! apparently i have not learned a valuable lesson that God has been attempting to teach me for quite some time now. it all started with having 4 kids under 2. i needed help due to a shattered shoulder of my moms immediately after the babies were born, then my newborn's emergency surgery followed by my own emergency surgery one week later. not only did we need help, we needed 24 hour help in shifts. i was mortified to tell you the truth. i hate...did you get that...HATE asking for help. so after that whole mess was over in about 6 months, i thought, "ok God, i have learned my lesson...ask for help...give into my pride and just do it". then i had to go on bed rest for 3 months with our unexpected 5th child. can't really raise 4 toddlers and keep a house while laying on complete bed rest and 8 hospital stays with severe pain. so again...we had to get help. someone else (many someones) had to completely run and manage my children for 3 months straight. i was allowed the complete freedom to pee whenever i wanted though! so...once again..i thought "ok, ok God, i really have learned this time....i must put aside my pride and ask for help". then....Fibromyalgia happened. immediately i was back in the mode of doing it all on my own. i endured flu-like aching all over everyday with migraines, back pain, sleepless nights and the insanity of it all ensuing. then i had a day. a day that i cried all day. it hurt to put my coat on. it hurt to turn my steering wheel. it hurt just being awake. i had to ask for help, but i didn't. instead i failed miserably at my test from the Lord. but today was a whole new test. and so far i have passed. i called a friend (even one i barely know) and asked for her help. i cried doing so, but not only did God treat me graciously, He made it abundantly clear to her once i stated making excuses as to why i didn't think i needed her that much that she just needed to come over without my permission. i am praying that i get it this time. i mean really...who wants to be put in such a test again. i am not guranteed that this will halt the hurdles coming my way, but i am guaranteed my obedience will make them smaller to jump!

my first huge hurdle was that i knew with all my heart i had to place the kids in school until i got a handle on this illness. i am not sure how long that will be, but i know God has my kids in His hand. This is so not how i saw my children's schooling going, but it is just one more process in the test for me. God wants to me to completely surrender to Him even that which i so desperatly believe i right for my children. so, no longer am i homeschooling this year. and as i mourn the loss of my children's main influence in thier lives, the Lord reminds me to not live in fear.

Future Olympian...

Makenna was fascinated by the Olympics this year! i caught her outside one day attempting a "downhill ski". now mind you her skis were two rulers, her hill was a very small mound, and her poles were two baseball bats! hard though she tried...it did not turn out well for her!

She steadied her "skis"

and prepared for the "long ride down"

however, as she fell miserably and subsequently got very upset with me (not sure how i fit into the picture), i realized she does not yet fully understand the concept of attempting something even if it does turn into failure. This was supposed tobe fun activity for her. i mean, no one on tv fell! she wasn't supposed to either! but when she did, she really did not get what went wrong. it turned out to be a great lesson in perseverance and just plain ol' havin' fun!

A Father's Eyes...

There's something about the anticpation of a girl with her father. My daughters' were getting ready for the daddy daughter banquet and it was sheer anticipation of how daddy would say they looked. it was so beatuiful and healthy to see. below is the exact look on kenna's face as she waited in grand anticipation for her dad to open his eyes as she stood before him. The fact is...he loves her no matter how she looks and always finds her beautiful. sometimes i wish i could be that way with God. "just close your eyes God, i'm almost ready...ok..now you can open...how do i look?" But He always sees me, his daughter, and although i may be disappointing Him miserably at the time, He never fails to see me as beautful in His eyes. I see my children that way, if only i could see my God that way!

I love this picture because of Bella's intentionality on placing her hands on his shoulders and eagery awaiting her daddy's kiss. She loves him so!

Daddy and Kenna ready for thier date.






such a daddy's girl!

So today has been amazing!!! it was naptime and my 5 year old (6 in 3 days) usually just rests on his bed a while then plays til i come get him. today was different. he had been playing quietly when he comes out of him room and says, "mommy come here."

, "mommy, i just saw God. i was on my bed, i looked up and he was just looking at me and smiled...so i hugged Him". then he says, "mommy, when can i get baptized?' i told him that he could get baptized any time he wanted to as long as you know why you are getting baptized. he said, " iknow why mommy, becuase Jesus came to earth to die on a cross to take away all my sins...and i want my sins taken away...and i will go to heaven then too...and if i don't have jesus in my life it will always be yucky!"

WOW!!! that is really all i can say. we will be spending some time talking to him in the very near future. I can't wait until he is ready! although...it sounds like he is pretty close!!! Please be praying for my sweet baby boy! I can't wait to see where his life leads!

Sometimes our children are sent as rescuers from heaven! mine was today. i am having a terrible day. i got news that has kinda rocked my world a little today and i have had a hard time dealing with it most of the day. I have been crying a lot, and trying to hide it from the kids. but my mood has come through. came through so much that I was really thinking myself a horrid mom in the midst of all this. It is hard to be emotionally spent and still care effectively for 5 chilren (at least and do so happily). But God sent me my rescuer....again! Mat 7:9 says, "Or what man is there of you, whom if his son ask bread, will he give him a stone?" I asked the Lord for comfort this day and this is what he sent me....

Kenna approaches me and says, "mommy, there is never a better mommy than you! you can even do things my daddy can't do. like make all my clothes clean, play with me, laugh and snuggle with me, clean our dishes and make us dinner. i love you mommy!" The Lord sent me exactly what i asked for in the form of my daughter...my rescuer today! Thank you Jesus!

It's a new dawn...a new day... a new year!

The year of 2009 has been interesting! As I prepare for the new year, I find myself reflecting on what has passed as much as what is to come. This will always be the year the Lord taught me to practice being an “esther” and waiting on Him in all things. I learned that God will not leave me hanging. He will always follow through. And in that I was able to see my family come together and my son’s life greatly enhanced all due to the Lord teaching me to wait on Him and not do things in my own timing or rely on my husband. It is a lesson I pray I never forget!

This will always be the year I was reunited with my dearest friend, Carmen! She brings special something to my life that no other friend has ever been able to bring me in my lifetime. I am so thankful God showed us favor and brought restoration and forgiveness our way.

This is the year that Makenna blossomed into an amazing, creative, empathetic, sweet-hearted, God loving child. To hear her pray humbles me daily!

This year I keep attempting to grow in my homeschooling and find our home’s niche. I think that may be what is in store for us in 2010!

But most of all this is the year the Lord returned my husband’s heart home. Dirk has spent the last few years really working himself to the bone. He suffered personally in a tremendous way. In waiting on the Lord, He chose to turn Dirk’s heart back to the basics of life…we are sooo grateful! He now stays home until 1pm everyday, does breakfast, bible reading, reading lessons and homeschool with me. It makes our day so smooth and easy with errands, appts, etc come up. he will start teaching and a home group this year too. I am so thankful for this man God has given me. He’s the kind that makes submitting to easy because of how he loves me!

Bring on 2010!!!

Let it Snow...

It snowed for Christmas this year...how fun is that? so, after the 20 minutes of bundling up, hats, boots, gloves, scarves, layered socks, snow pants...the whole shabang, we went out...for a few minutes! we had our first snowball fight, snow angels on the trampoline, sledding on what proved to be not a good hill, and attempted a snowman with snow that was nothing but powder.

In true bella form..she ate it...a lot of it!

this was Elias after the enduring the torture of being bundled...ecstatic to explore the world of snow...

this was Elias hating every moment of the snow....and yes, he has pink pants on! he's gonna really regret hand-me-downs one day!

On our trip to Tupelo last month, we were reunited with some old friends there. they now have 2 children, Anders (6) and John Michael (8). They were in much need of some rest and reuniting themselves so we decided thier kids were spending a week with us. i mean, what's two more kids after you have 5 anyway, right? so...the fun began. first, they woke up to snow....more snow than they had ever seen in thier lives, as John Michael said. by 8:45 am they were all already bundled up and out in it having the time of their lives. the trampoline just proved too enticing to avoid...i loved seeing them play on it. the week went great! we even added another one to the mix one day just to make things interesting. 8 is fun i must say. i will say that 7 kids is really really loud. due to the fact that i added 2 more boys...it was astronomically loud!! there is something about boys! but overall...the kids and i are all better for it. i hope this was a time their parents were able to enjoy as much as we did. now if i can just get Isaiah to stop talking with a southern accent!!!

Can't you hear it??? just imagine all the noise at my house last week!! 8 children!!!

So the 8 kids decided to make a band. there was no actual singing...because when asked why they weren't singing teh visiting Xavier said, "because people in rock bands only scream because thier music is too loud"!